Wednesday, February 15, 2023

The Overwhelm

Work, play, marriage, self care, exercise, meditation, friendships, maintenance of house, playing with the pets, cultivating new skills, developing businesses, spiritual workouts, pen pals, phone chats, hobbies, car rides, visits, meeting people, going out, saving money, television shows, social media, spending money, worry about family, worry about self, worry about happiness of husband, blog about the worry, paperwork, organization, take all the things to a donation place, organize all the things, priorities, two places at once, not enough arms, hands or enough brain power,  millionaires, what about me, confusion, overlooked, misunderstanding, sadness which manifests as anger, therapy, the resource of time, expectations, politics, weather, limitations, gold nuggets. This is overwhelm, friends.

I don't know where to put all the papers.

I don't know how to prioritize.

I can't feel less anxious.

I keep waiting to be happy again.

Any solutions?

Tuesday, October 25, 2022

Fortune Cookies and the Great Mystery

"Fortune Cookies" 

God is great! Yep. I said it. I am tired, oh so tired, of NOT saying it-of being lead to believe not saying it is ok when it isn't and for listening to naysayers disrespect my beliefs as they cast theirs of disbelief upon me (as if their 'opinion' is smarter or better than mine). Enough. 

THIS! I am not speaking about religion- I am talking about belief. They are two COMPLETELY SEPARATE THINGS. You get me? The Supreme Being and religion are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (and often of no relation) things. Let's put a pin in that one for another time.

For me, this is not simply an insignificant belief-God is everything-our very lives. The Lakota Nation uses the title Wakan Tanka translated as The Great Mystery! The Cherokee nation's word is Unetlanvhi, directly translated as The Creator. As anyone with half a brain can see, taste, feel, touch AND experience we are all connected (it's called science-think molecules). That connection is part of what makes us of "The One," The Grand Poobah, Source Energy, The Big Kahuna, The Force- whatever you want to call Infinite Divine Intelligence.

"Fortune Cookie"

I mean, it isn't accidental that the galaxy is circular, that the globe is round and rotates or that the solar system revolves AROUND the sun. We talk about the circle of life, a circular path, running in circles and hang wreaths on our doors. Kind of indicative of never ending reverie, everlasting life, unchanging, immovable-you know- the Alpha and the Omega, no? I would say that the thinking stuff, the Undivided One (for this I'll call "it" GOD) loves a circle. A circle is never ending-connected forever! Abraham Hicks talks about the Vortex All. The. Time.

How does "luck" get more faith than The Creator? And why do people have such ease when they say "fate" but feel itchy and uncomfortable when we say "God?" Sometimes people feel even more than just itchy and go straight to violent-these are not my people.

"Fortune Cookie"

I have an example of how Divinity appears to me sometimes. Hang on! It's true! I have proof with photos!

Since I was small I have wanted to be an entrepreneur. I have owned a card company, began this blog, have a couple youtube channels and other little things. But this year I finally decided to take the jump and create a company for myself. I have an online boutique called CoolCrow and I have an Etsy site of the same name-both legit, too. I pay taxes and have a resale number and an Employee ID number and everything. But I am waiting. I am waiting to be successful and I am trying. so. freaking. hard.

Sooooooo-my husband and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. It's far from home and we love to go big. But Mr. A forgot to grab a couple of fortune cookies, so I ran to the bowl to get our due cookies. I put the cookies in the drink holder of the car for "later," and off we went. 

Once on the road toward home (about a 2 hour journey) it was desert time! I grabbed a cookie but something was tugging my mind (tugging my mind-not sure if that's the right way to express the feeling, but I assure you, you've had something similar-some people call "It" intuition) calling to me, or maybe whispering is a better term-it is like a breeze-"It's" there but not there. It told me to grab the other cookie instead. It coaxed me again and then again. All the while I kept opening the cookie I picked first even though "The Thing" was telling me to grab the other one! I ignored The Breeze instead of putting down the initial cookie in favor of the cookie that I was supposed to actually select first. Why would I ignore the Divine? I cracked into the cookie and the fortune read, "Pay attention to your intuition." MIND BLOWN I immediately grabbed the second cookie (which was supposed to be the first cookie) and on the fortune it says (hold on to your hat!), "Your perseverance will pay off soon." OH. MY. GOD. 

My talk with spirit is often (these days) about whether I have made a good choice in starting this business and wondering when it will be successful, how to make it successful and what my mission is. All the while, I am also diligently moonlighting as an art teacher at a high school and doing my regular job. And here was the answer, written right before me. You could explain it away and say coincidence, but I do not believe in coincidence or luck. I felt so comforted by this special celestial hug and what timing-right on the tails of my self doubt.

See the thing about The Force which I fail to remember sometimes (as in the case of the fortune cookie) is that while my faith (in The Creator and myself) is not always 100% the spirit world's faith in me is! Good things will happen and our lives can change for the better instantaneously!

Monday, June 20, 2022

Diversions - It's a Pinkachan/Lana Del Rey Kind of Day

I haven't written since December 2021. Sorry, to readers (if there are any) and to myself for spreading myself so thin that I have lost friends and gained weight. I'm having a wee struggle but I'll add cute pics so you can feel as funny and confused and joyful and heartbroken, as I do. 😬🛸

I have ZERO reason to feel this way; except that in the words of Lana Del Rey we are Born to Die and this FACT makes life even more fleeting than we already know it is. I want every second to count but the urgency is so crystal clear that I am impatient and want to get it all, do it all, succeed at it all RIGHT NOW, but know the scientific limitations of this -so frustrating.

I have an amazing Insta-friend @Pinkachan (Celena) who somehow I fell in love with. Initially it was her feed (we share a similar taste in fashion, history, art and music) and then a few other things like her untenable positivity and style. But it is also her personal story of an instant, life changing experience that would challenge even the toughest minds. But she is always high spirited as she looks forward. Of course she has bad days but she holds herself high and lives with such presence and joy and gratitude that on days that I feel the special sadness that I feel today-Summertime Sadness, in this case- I break with guilt. I guess it's a Lana Del Rey/Pinkachan kinda day?

My whole life I've fought for something, but it always ended up being the wrong thing, or the wrong way or the wrong side, the wrong people, the wrong food, the list of wrongness - oy vey. Now that I am older, I am trying to fight for the right thing; sadly, I don't even know what the thing is nor why I still continue to have to fight. My world, with this hindsight perspective has shrunken to an exceedingly diminutive and sometimes questionable marble. (Note to self: Ask Philip Altstatt if he would do me the honor of a comissioned painting of marbles for a friend.)

I spoke with a friend recently and while at one time we were close, I find that when we speak about "things," a euphemism for uncomfortable trendy politics, I feel exactly the opposite-not close to her. I rumenated about this and instead of feeling refreshed in my connection with my friend, I felt judged, put down and misunderstood. I felt like I had to bargain with her; sell something to her about my perception and experience-convince her of my viability as a thinking woman; it was clear that she considered her ideals better and smarter than mine. After this converstation, I woke up at 4:58 AM and instantly began digging into myself-the usual internal dialogue- "I'm not nice enough, I am not good enough, I don't deserve the sweetness of life..." It flung me into a dark little hole. This interaction, while small, was epiphanic. This questioning and this type of hurt from a person who you once felt was a 'ride or die,' actually served to increase my wisdom. Meditating brought me to a thoughtfulness in which then I could self-asses and therefore question as many angles of that tiny sphere as possible (of course a sphere has no angles).

It was an unnecessarily heady morning as these things swam in the sea of my mind. The only thing they were serving to do was push me under the water. When a talk with a friend creates these kinds of feelings within you, what do you do? This talk with my friend felt like an ending; this ending threw me into grief. To try to heal from this loss and to help sew up the mental badmouthing about myself in my mind, I called my sister-a divinely magical little creature.

My sister has a tendency to see a puzzle very clearly and then she can sometimes tell you how to put the puzzle together. This is one such instance. Not only did I feel the loss of this friendship, but I also still feel the loss of "home." With all the death, grief is sure to follow and anyone is hard pressed to go it alone. Marissa (my sister) reminded me that everything has a time and then read me a passage from Anne Frank - Diary of a Young Girl. Anne Frank was being hunted and yet, her faith remained: "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

It pulled me instantaneously out of the pit I had cast myself into. I could feel my sprits lift and my self talk turn around. I went from saying, "I am worthless," to "I am priceless." With that one phrase by a 13 year old little girl, I was able to see more clearly. When you can feel that a relationship can no longer move forward in the direction you are going, it's ok to let the relationship go. Change is inevitable.

When you realize you are priceless on this planet as part of The One, you change how you see yourself and therefore how others see you as well. Perhaps my friend sees me differently because I have gained a self assurance I did not have when we had begun our friendship? How have you changed with your friends? Have you lost friendships? Or gained them? Why and how did these changes happen? And, when you got to the other side of grief, did you feel the way I feel now-a little more gracious, a little more thankful, a little more resilient?

I'll leave you now with these cool pics, a couple of songs and some wisdom from an Instafriend with an incredible story of survival and a famous little girl who poured her heart out into a diary while hiding in a 300 square foot attic. Remember these small wisdoms - grief occurs in all kinds of ways and in all kinds of situations, loss is a reality of life so try not to abuse yourself; you are the one you are born with and die with. I have tried so hard to maintain relationships but the reality is that some just can't be saved. In the words of the great Jedi Master Yoda "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into The Force. Mourn them do not." You are exactly where you are supposed to be.